I wish I was strong enough....

I wish people would seek me out.

Seems like I always have to initiate every moment with every person who claims to care about me.

I wish people would make time for me before I slowly fade away.

I just want to be in someones top priorities.

This sadness physically hurts my heart.

Don't know how much more I can take.

Heal Me.

I used to be so creative.

I have been suffering a creative block for a while now. It probably started around the time I realized that growing up was a trap and I actually wanted to just be young and carefree forever- so probably just before high school ended over 4 years ago.

Drawing, writing, and painting used to be my outlet for sadness and anger, and now it seems all my emotions always get backed up to the point of explosion. I don't enjoy my outlets anymore. I feel overwhelmed most of the time and I really don't know how to handle it, other than breaking down when I'm alone.

Its a problem and I hate it.

I will never feel embarrassed by my emotions though. I have always worn them on my sleeve, and since they are my own emotions and I am in fact human, why should I worry about hiding them. Everyone is sad, angry, heartbroken, and torn up inside, and if we could just let the people in our lives know how we feel instead of bottling it up until we murder ourselves or others, maybe there would be less confusion in the world.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

This is not to say that you should seek attention by posting all over your social network about how terrible your life is blah blah blah, that just turns you into the attention obsessed person who cried wolf- people tend to ignore you after a while. Stress comes in waves, or in my case tsunamis. Its always one thing after another. So far the only thing that makes my depression go away is my beautiful kitty Ares and the smile of the man who gifted him to me. Oh Atlas your smile is so infectious. I have never been able to look at something so simple and feel such intricate emotions. I can feel my heart floating threw my chest when I see your face.

I guess that's how I know... 

I guess this blog has become my new outlet. I just need to write sometimes and get these thoughts out of my head. I have to lighten my own load. I wish I had more people to cheer me on. I dwell a lot and it can bring my so far down. I just hope that as I dwell on you Atlas, the tide will begin to turn for me and you. I can't imagine my life without you in it- even if its just words of caring and devotions on a screen.

God, its better than nothing.

It's the little things...

I love it when you call me pet names. Sweetheart, Sweety, Baby.

Its so pathetic but in my eyes it shows some semblance of greater caring- that if you put the effort forward I might mean more to you than some lay. 

I really made a realization last night- it was like a freight train to the heart. You barely have time to answer the phone or text me back now, which means when your daughter comes it will only be ten times worse. I just hope that the distance makes you miss me, and doesn't erase me. I hope you also remember that I want to be there, to meet your daughter and hold her.

Her birth is soon and if things change between us I hope you have the decency to sit down and talk to me about it- you know if you choose to work things out with her mom or what ever. 

I'm not ready to lose you again. I don't think I ever will be.

A year has gone past and I have had my recovery/rebound time, and not a day has gone by where I don't think of you. My feelings have never faded, perhaps only gotten stronger. If we would have stayed together, this month would have marked our 3rd year together. I wonder if you will remember or mention it.

I just want your feelings in return. If I could never see you, all I would need would be a text or phone call, where you remind me how you feel and that would be enough.

I'm holding my breath for that day. 

Does that make me a fool? 

Its true- I crave you...

I hope I'm not to late.

Sometimes I fear you might not believe in love any more- believe in me. As time has gone on these past few months I have started to see you warm up a little bit. This is not to say I want to rush you- no never- but I hope if we continue this adventure, you can understand that my feelings for you have only grown over this long, confusing year.

I guess some people might think its creepy or strange, but I watch you sleep for a moment when I wake up before you. Its just for a moment, but I watch how your chest slowly rises and sometimes your nostrils flare a bit- which is cute. Sometimes I catch you dreaming, your eyes fidgeting behind your closed eyelids, and I wonder where you are inside your mind. Are you dreaming about some far off land, some strangers, roaming nature with your Jeep...me? I think about the most random things some times.

You are an amazing man who is trying his hardest to be what he needs to be, but at the same time trying to be as true to yourself as possible- and I only respect you so much for it. I get worried that she lives with you. If she really does love you, I imagine she would do everything in her power to change your mind- I know I would. But one thing is different now after so many months of waiting. I understand that what is done is done and can not be undone. It helps me forget about the pain and sense of betrayal I once felt. I really can't be bothered about it any more. In fact I am more excited for you than anything.

I want to be there with you... but I know that it probably wont be possible for a while now that she is so near, in the next room. This is the only thing that makes me sad. I know you want to spare her feelings and in the end I understand... I just hope it doesn't cause you to slowly drift away.

I hope I don't come off as some kind of wannabe replacement mom. I never want to impose- ever. But a part of me would feel so privileged to take part and help you along the way to fatherhood. As a fatherless daughter, I already cherish the relationship you have with your daughter, that will only grow stronger once she is born.

A part of me hopes you remember that I have this lame blog, and that you read it, understanding the things I can't always physically say to you. And another part hopes you don't read it, in fear that it will scare you off, bog you down with more than you care to handle.

Slowly but surely I'm cleaning up this mess of a self.

Its easy to get caught up and lost in you Atlas.

I always just want more of you.

I cherish you.

I respect you.

I want you.

I think you know what comes next....

Even the sun sets in Paradise.

I'm sure plenty of people think I'm crazy.

Hell, my head is telling me to run. Run for the hills until this life is no longer left in sight, but I have learned, through pain and heartache, that sometimes the head isn't always right. Sometimes the heart trumps the head in all its reason and logic. Sometimes there is no logic.
Almost a year ago, my head told me to run from you. That there was nothing left for me but pain- and greener pastures surely awaited in the distance. But my heart begged me to reconsider and ultimately suffered when I ignored it. I thought I was being strong. I was young, new to it all, just like you.
I didn't know what was right for me and I don't know if I can even fathom that now. But I do know one thing. Through the pain and the suffering there is still a glimmer of hope in my heart. Its what keeps me alive, not just through this, but through life itself. A hope that things will get better one day. I don't know if that means that "you & me" is still possible but I have come to the revelation that in the end it doesn't matter. If you can never return my feelings I will always understand. I will always support the life you want, the happiness you deserve. I will be there for you if and when you need me. You have so much responsibility to shoulder Atlas and I never want to be another thing you have to carry on your back.
People tell me I should feel betrayed, devastated, utterly humiliated, that I should hate you. And it's true, I have felt all of these things, but only in a fleeting childish moment. I could never truly hate you or the life you have created. In fact I only feel love for you both. No matter what we become, I want to watch your daughter grow. I can't wait to see all the beauty and goodness when I look into your eyes, in hers. It's a feeling so deep in my soul- it feels like I was born with it. Flesh of your flesh- bone of your bone- I can't help but love it all in all its forms.
I know what it feel like to truly be loved by you, Dearest Atlas, so I know how beautifully blessed your daughter truly is. Not every girl gets a father willing to face the odds and stick around, to feel cherished by.

If the sun must set then I know what I must do. If its for forever than I wish you nothing but the best- the very very best. But if its a matter of time and patience, well Darling you have my number. I want to be more than your girl- I want to be your rock, your port in the storm, your pillar of strength, a source of love and true happiness.
This I can be if you will have me.
I love you.
Good luck to us both.

Dearest Atlas....

The world is on your shoulders- I know you're dying for a rest.


The world is such a strange, ever changing place. It’s dark and terrifying and most of the time you just want to run and hide- at least I know I do. For the past five months I have been ever moving, ever on the go trying not to stop too long and think about my mistakes- try not to think about how much I’ve missed you. I have felt so lost. Sure the time I have had has presented me with new friends and opportunities, but more so has the time presented me with more confusion, anger, and devastation. No matter how far and wide I looked, no one could compare to you. I would look at a new face and see your jaw line or your eyes- and not just in guys but girls to. I would see a girl with beautiful eyelashes or soft lips and immediately revert to seeing your face. Hell, I even saw someone with your feet. Just walking into stores that we had been together made me weak at the knees… I could feel your essence in the places from our past. I tried as hard as possible not to even cross over into the Port Orange limits because just thinking of running into you or seeing you in your jeep gave me a heart attack. No matter who I met or where I traveled you were always there in the front of my mind. I say the front of my mind because in all reality I didn’t try to hard when it came to “forgetting” you. If I started to think about you I would allow my mind to wander up until my eyes began to moisten or my lip began to quiver, that’s when I thought I might have looked to pathetic and tried to push you away. I tried to hang on to hope that “we” were still possible, even against such high odds stacked against me. I let you go and I can never forgive myself for that. Things have happened now that cannot be changed and I understand that. I thought I couldn’t get over some of these hurdles but just seeing you again; feeling your affection and not your guilt has wiped my slate clean. For the past five months I have been riding on street tires through the mud, but suddenly it like I’m riding on all- terrains. It’s all because of you. You make my troubles melt away and for the past few weeks I have felt reborn. I know I can handle anything, I have become stronger and you only add to that. When you were gone, you took a part of me with you and it’s like now that your back I feel whole again. I will do anything I can to prove how devoted I am to you. Hard, confusing times are ahead but I want to be there for you through them all. I don’t care what has happened in the past five months, all I care about is making you feel loved, treating you the way you deserved to be treated. You are an amazing man and you’re going to be an amazing father. You are strong and so smart and I know you’ll never have to want for anything because you’re such a hard worker and you have such a strong, wonderful family to cheer you on. In the end I can only hope and pray that I deserve a man like you. I will help you shoulder your burdens dear Atlas. I pray you do not forget that.

Where does the good go?

How do you know you love someone?

Lately the signs are becoming all to clear- I mean I knew I loved you from the start, but did I know how much? Not until I lost it all. But that's just how it goes. The whole adage "you don't know what you got until its gone" really can hit so close to home in my situation. I ended it all in pursuit of my own happiness but have only been more miserable since then. Then again the time apart was what we needed... still, I didn't expect you to rebound and make mistakes so easily. But to err is human right...?

Love is when you try to move on and all you see is them. Man, woman- it doesn't matter. You see a resemblance in jaw shape, similar facial hair, exact lips, matching brown eyes. But at the same time you don't see any of these things and become all the more down trodden because of it. You realize all these little things you took for granted really mean the most, and the more you see/don't see these similarities the more you miss them. Its a lose/lose scenario. You sit in a crowded room in the hope to fill your life with random events and strange new people but in the end you surrounded by painful reminders and assholes that just don't compare.

Love is when you feel the essence of the experiences you have had with someone in the places you used to visit and in the objects you once shared. A chair at a friends house could spark a vague distance memory just as easily as hearing a song you both over played in the jeep you rode everywhere in. Then every jeep you ever see ignites a 3D film real of your old life across your eyes as if you were about to die. Touching a cup you know he once drank out of makes you weak in the knees. Its like you become a slave to the memories imprinted in your psyche. No matter how much you try to forget, its like every little thing in the universe is working against you to keep that love alive. Maybe that's how its supposed to be though. In my world of fantasy romance, true love can never die and maybe if the universe is conspiring against your act of moving on then maybe it means there is a better way, a second chance that's worth the fight.

I know your heart. I really do, maybe more than I would like to. I hate the facade- I hate the charade. I only stay your friend in some ill fated attempt to make sure you don't forget me and the love your leaving behind. I won't try to force myself upon you because I know it would be for nothing. I can't push you away. In fact I always hoped the whole ordeal would both give us the opportunity to miss each other after being caged together for to long. I know it worked for me.

In the end I wish you would just spill your guts and be completely real with me, since I already know everything you would say. But just the act of saying it all would act as some kind of tourniquet to my twisted, bloodied heart. I know I am idiotic for holding on to you when the situation seems all but hopeless because of the mistakes that have been made, but I hold on to hope. Hope that regardless of the bullshit, love can still prevail. You say your old fashioned- well darling so am I- in the way that fantasy love really can exist if you let it. Princess Bride old fashioned.

I love you with all my heart and soul and regardless of if we can be together again like we should be, I will be the best damn friend you could ever ask for. My love is tried and true and all I see is you, all I hear is you, even in a crowded room. Love is letting you stab my heart over and over again and still coming back for more because the only alternative is oblivion. This love makes me feel so worthless... so why does pulling away from you feel so much more painful than your rejection?

Natalia Kills was right- Love is a suicide.
Its 3:45am and all I can think about is how I feel. Drunk again yet the feelings remain,
can barely keep my eyes open, but all I see is your face behind my lids, begging me not to go to sleep unless I wish to endure the agony stemming from that which is forbidden to me...for now.

So how DO you know your in love?
When the loving comes naturally and your body goes on auto pilot- you are there.